by Dawn Fuller
As I age, I have a body that is falling faster than a meteorite caught in earth’s gravity. If my body falls anymore then I am going to have to wipe my cleavage whenever I go to the bathroom. When I look in a full length mirror I realize that my legs are getting so big from swelling caused by sitting around that they could be declared old growth forests. So I joined a women’s only health club because if I want to be surrounded by the testosterone smell of sweating males I would do my sons’ and husband’s wash and I haven’t done that in years.
Before I can begin my journey into a health club life I must shop for an exercise outfit. I go into sports store and a sales clerk, who weighs all of 90 pounds, brings out some cute spandex outfits and says, “These are the latest in exercise attire.”
I eye the red jumpsuit she brought out and tell the sales lady, “The last thing the world needs is a 56 year old 180 pound salami doing jumping jacks to Justify My Love.” The sales lady doesn’t get the joke. “Well, thongs are very popular,” she sniffs. I decide to humor her and try it on. When I lift my arms, in jumping jack fashion, the thong went up my butt and almost gave me an instant hemmroidectomy. I ended up buying a cotton and flannel jogging suit and fled from the store and reluctantly went to the health club…
I have decided that aerobics was designed by a doctor who wanted to make sure he was never out of work. When I started doing jumping jacks I almost gave myself a concussion when my left breast flew up as I went down and hit me so hard in the face that I thought I had given myself a black eye.
After warm-ups the “real” fun began. A cute young instructor talked into the cordless microphone and told us what to do. Only I couldn’t hear a thing she was saying because my hearing isn’t what it used to be and the music was too damn loud. So I watched what every one else was doing and decided to mimic them. This is when I noticed an interesting phenomenon. The young women who didn’t need to be there because they are so thin they wouldn’t cast a shadow on a sunny day are following her instructions with no problem. People who are in my age range though, well, we looked at each other with the blank stares of the Night of the Living Dead zombies.
I panted, sweated, and stumbled along with the other middle-agers as I tried to figure out what to do. By the time I caught on, the instructor was on to the next routine. By then I was thankful I had the foresight to make adult diapers a part of my attire because bladder leakage is clearly a problem for anyone whose body is doing things that puts internal organs into a Mach 2 overload.
When the instructor got out the skipping ropes, I skipped out. I couldn’t jump rope when I was 12. Why start now? I went over to the weights. Another instructor came over to show me how to use them. There is a whole circuit that I have to do. I start the circuit. The weight area is surrounded with mirrors. Why? Do I really need a mirror to tell me that my arms have gotten so fat that they move like a simulation of the earthquake ripples- I saw an educational program that predicted Los Angeles is going to fall into the ocean from similar undulations-No.? I would not need to be here if I wanted to know such things.
I went to the weight area and used a machine for firming my butt. Problem is that every time I did a lift I farted. So I had to time my lifts to the bass boom of the music in the aerobics class so no one would hear my emissions. All that coordinating made me nervous which gave me gas and made me fart more.
On down the weight machine row I went, exercising parts of my body that thought muscle tone was being able to reach high C in choir. By the time I got to the back strengthening lifts, I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I was envisioning the looks of envy that would be cast my way when, in a few months, I would look so buff you could shine a car with me. That is when I wrenched my back and couldn’t straighten up.
Looking like Quasimodo searching for cockroaches to eat, I inched my way back to the dressing room. After I showered and dressed, I lied to the staff and told them it had been a great experience and I couldn’t wait until I came back tomorrow. I wasn’t going to tell them I hurt myself and get one of those Well What Do You Expect After 40 Years Of Inactivity stares.
When I got home I decided that I deserved a reward for having worked so hard and suffered so greatly. The Black Forest cake didn’t take away the pain, but you can’t have every thing in life.
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