The Darkness of Depression and Anxiety

Part 2 by Ronda Payne

 

 If the thought of hurting yourself or someone else seems comforting or logical, please talk to a mental health professional immediately.

In a previous article, I introduced ideas to help you better understand and manage the pain and darkness that accompany anxiety and depression. We looked at some of the most common symptoms, then explored accepting the condition instead of running from it, the importance of talking about what you are experiencing and understanding some of the options available to you.

In this article, I will cover the three skills that were essential for me to see pronounced changes in myself: creating positive thinking, eliminating perfectionism and finding a way to truly relax. I had to change the way I thought, behaved and responded in order to change the way I felt. No small order!

If you’re like me, you believe you’re a positive person. In fact, I didn’t just think I was positive, I knew I was. Despite my perception, when I slowed down and carefully listened to my thoughts, I saw how negative I was about my life, the world and mostly about myself.
Thoughts like “I hate this job” or “she’s such an idiot” are easy to identify as negative, but if you tune in to what you are thinking on a regular basis, you will see a subtle negativity that ‘flies below your radar’. Listen to the chatter in your mind. It’s the small, quiet thoughts that you need to correct as well as the big loud ones. If you are telling yourself you screwed up and you’re hopeless, change that thought to something comforting like “I did my best and maybe it didn’t work out right, but look at what I learned.” Begin to change the negative messages into positive, supportive messages. Soon it will become a habit and you’ll be praising yourself.

Expectations are a double-edged sword. As perfectionists, we push ourselves to achieve great things, but the expectations we set are often unrealistic and no one can meet them.

One of my problems was overloading myself with ‘to dos’, then hating myself because I could never finish. Break your tasks into what must be done today, what can wait and what can be left for someone else - you don’t have to do it for it to be done right! Begin with the ‘must dos’ and take credit for finishing each one. Build quick diversions into your task list to create little breaks. Don’t berate yourself if you don’t finish your list, take pride in your accomplishments and know that you finished what had to be done.

I learned that I was still valuable, loved and special even when I didn’t get that last party appetizer made, or the bathroom wasn’t spotless. I stopped needing things to be perfect because I gave myself permission to be imperfect. Check your expectations daily and ask yourself “would I expect anyone else to do all of this?” Chances are you wouldn’t.

By relaxing my expectations of myself and others, my relationships became more fulfilling. If a friend forgets my birthday it’s no longer a big deal; but, if it is important to me that my husband remembers my birthday, I remind him. Why set others up for failure so that I can be miserable? When your expectations are clear and realistic, everyone wins.

Most of us don’t know how to relax. We go through the motions, perhaps thinking we’re relaxed, but often continue to feel wound up. Find a quick (30 minutes or less) method of relaxation that works for you and do it daily. You need to focus on calming yourself and tune out the world of dentist appointments, grocery shopping and emails.

Yoga and a guided meditation CD that taught relaxation techniques were the best methods for me, but there are many choices available. Your goal is to be able to recall how you feel during your relaxation sessions at any time – this is why daily practice is essential. When standing in line at the bank or waiting for the kids at school, recall your relaxation practice and feel your shoulders drop, your stomach relax and your breathing return to normal.

Change is hard! Moving to a different place in your life is uncomfortable. Practice the skills you are learning and give yourself credit for every positive step you take. As I regularly say to my friends, “You are the perfect you!”

 

 

 

This entry was posted on Friday, August 21st, 2009 at 12:16 pm and is filed under Your Turn. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.