by Gwynne Hunt
Violence against women is a well-documented fact and not something Canadians should be proud of. Reports from Canadian women reveal that 81% have been pushed, shoved or grabbed; 61% have been threatened or hit; 44% have had something thrown at them; 38% have been beaten or choked; 35% were slapped, 27% were kicked, beat or hit, and 16% were sexually assaulted. Between 1994 and 2003, a history of family violence was present in 6 out of 10 spousal abuse cases. It is a generational problem and the cycle needs to be broken. But a new statistic that has arisen that should cause great sadness is that older women are more likely to be assaulted by family members then older men. In fact four out of ten older women will be abused and touched by violence.
Specifically sexual assault and abuse pervasively run through this country like a quiet stream. Studies show that among adult Canadians 53 percent were sexually abused as children and something we rarely talk about is that 31 percent of men were sexually abused. It is no wonder we live in violent and broken societies. A 2005 report by the Canadian Centre for Justice Statistics tracks family violence and reports on the effect the statistics have on our communities.
It was discovered that on any typical day in 2004, there were 6,000 women and children in shelters, the majority of which were there to escape abuse. Women are more likely to miss work later in life if they experienced violence in their lives. Health-related costs to sexual abuse and violence reached into the billions of dollars by the nineties. We live in a sick society. Our prisons are full of men and women who committed crimes while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Approximately 80% of major crimes are committed while under the influence. The majority of people with addictions come from violent or abusive backgrounds. We go around and around, slapping band aid solutions on a gaping wound that cannot heal.
Child sexual abuse is not something you can ‘get over’ with a few visits to the counselor. But there is a lot more than sexual abuse that is keeping this country sick and troubled; abandonment issues can cause problems in later life. How many children are in foster care, given up for adoption, left unprotected by a parent and losing a loved one at an early age? Even being left in the hospital at a young age can have traumatic outcomes.
However we can’t blame the parents and the caregivers, it is time for the wounded to take responsibility for themselves and find a way to be protective, healthy members of society. Too many people shelve their abuse, neglect or the violence they felt in their lives and never deal with it. You have to, in order to move on.
We have to be aware of the issues that affect people before we can change the role that society plays. Too many people trivialize incidents and thereby do not believe there is a negative outcome. A huge question arises for some; what exactly is sexual assault? The Department of Justice defines sexual assault as forcing someone to engage in sexual intercourse or any other sexual act, not stopping sexual contact when asked to and any kissing, fondling, touching, oral/anal sex or sexual intercourse without consent.
Sexual abuse involves using a child for sexual purposes; fondling, inviting a child to touch or be touched sexually, intercourse, rape, incest, sodomy, exhibitionism, or involving a child in prostitution or pornography. If you think about it, it would be hard not to know someone who has been subject to one or several of the above definitions. It would seem that the 53 % of women and 31% of men is a low number given the definitions.
This is of course a societal problem but the ability to stop this abuse and violence is in the home where we know that children under the age of 12 are most likely to be sexually assaulted. And it is not surprise that 97% of all sexual assaults area the hands of men and as only 20% are stranger assaults we only have to look at our fractured families to find the sickens. 64% of sexual assaults take place in the home.
When we read these statistics we should feel shame for the cure for the dysfunctional behavior lies with us in our homes, in our families. We first have to recognize the role we play and then take steps to stop the violence and abuse. Abuse and neglect cause a mental disorder you can’t just ‘suck it up’ and ‘get on with life’. If you are a survivor, endmost of us are, take some steps to heal yourself and then you can help others in your family by example. Break the cycle, break the silence.
Anyone who has suffered abuse, violence or neglect needs to seek professional help but recognizably so, there are long waits to see psychologists and psychiatrists and some people just don’t think their problem is that big so we have compiled a list of things you can do now to turn the corner and heal yourself and in turn heal the family.
Recognize that you don’t want to stay stuck in the place you are in and quit feeling sorry for yourself, quit masking your feelings with drugs and alcohol; quit running away. Recognize that you have a legitimate reason for being angry but you need to forgive the abuser and yourself in order to heal and move on. It is normal to feel guilty about being abused, recognize that, even though it doesn’t make sense, and find ways to get over the guilt. One process author John Bradshaw uses is to have you look at a picture of yourself at the age you were abused, violated or neglected and see the innocence in your child face and forgive that child.
Read books; there are hundreds on the topic but reading and educating yourself is part of the process of understanding what happened to you. There are no simple answers to healing a broken soul. Take the first step; recognize you are broken and then seek ways to become whole. We can stop the violence, neglect and abuse one brave person at a time.